Winter is Over

I think it’s official the winter is over. It was a tough one for me. But it is spring now. There is hope and light everywhere. So let’s see what did I love about the winter.

  1. 12647121_10153857320904876_3038821127278779989_nMy chinese medicine studies. That they finally starting to make sense. That I am starting to find my confidence in this world. That they are fun, interesting and exciting.

That’s me volunteering for demonstration (what was I thinking ???)

2. My parents, especially my mom. I didn’t see them much, but when I did, I think we got closer than we ever were.

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3. Rain. I love rain. Love the sound, the grayishness, the calm it brings.

4. My friends. Didn’t see them much either. But I grateful I have them.

5. My work. Yep, I like my job. I like feeding people and making them feel better. I like people I work with. They have seen the worst of me and still smile and hug me. And that is really something.

6. Tel Aviv. I like it when the city makes my feel better. And here it happens often.

7. Movies and TV series. It’s nice to watch other people being crazy. Kinda makes me feel OK.

8. Mandalas. I drew a lot of them in past few months. They are an excellent thing for long class hours. And I get to enjoy pretty colors at the end.

9. Dates. Have been to too few of those. But they did make me feel warm and good about myself. So I am grateful.

10. Being with myself and rediscovering my balance. That probably was the toughest, but also kinda cool. I think the most important lesson that I learned, is that every experience is valuable. If I feel bad, if I am hurting, so this is my life right now, and I will not run away from it, I’ll try to embrace and understand it. As fully as I can.

And now it’s spring time!

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My little sunshine

img_6586-1I wish I have never met you. I wish I didn’t feel that way, but I do. And it’s a first to me. I have never said that to anyone before, no one ever have said that to me. But if I could erase you from my memory, I would.
This made me thinking, how fragile people are. How would I feel, if someone told that to me? What would I say to a friend who was as lost, as I am?
I would say:
My little sunshine, I love you. I love you when you are hurt, when you are ugly, when you are mean. Everyone can be mean. And sometimes you have to.
I know it hurts like hell. I know it makes you question your judgment on everything, even if there is a point to live.
Yes, there is. So you made a mistake, you fell in love with someone and he hurt you, badly. Yes, the worst ever. You let him all in, you believed him despite of everything. And now you are thinking, how on earth could you be so wrong?
The truth is, I don’t know. But I know, that as long as you keep living , there is a chance to be happy, to choose right. Yes, you may be wrong again, but you will keep trying. Simply because there is no other way.
And one day you will look back, and he will be just one of your mistakes. It will get better. You will forget. So it takes you longer, than it should. In part because for some reason, you can’t admit you were wrong, that this whole year was a mistake, and you have chosen to keep believing in a lost cause, because you couldn’t stand the alternative.
You are not a screw up, even if the society thinks you are. Screw them. Yes, you “suppose” to be all figured out by now, married, kids, blah blah blah. But you are not. So what? You will get there, some day.
You are not a terrible person, people adore you. Not all of them, not all the time, but they do.
You are entitled to make mistakes. I do love you, and I will be with you all the way. Even when it seems unreal and unbearable. Yes, my dearest you can. Even if you are broken in pieces. Even when you don’t believe in your self. You can.
Change is inevitable. Change is life.

Ode to Loneliness

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Loneliness is not a sin, it’s not a punishment either. It’s a situation, a feeling, it’s a part of life. And it can be a great friend and teacher, if you let it.

It makes you discover you. Gives you a chance to become your own best friend. And you know what, I am not a bad crowd to run with. I am never really bored on my own.

Loneliness also gives you a chance to recognise all different sparks of love that surround you.

Yes, those people may be far away, and you don’t see them often. But hearing “I know you are busy, but when you find time, you are always welcome”, makes my heart loose a bit. That the most “being there for me” that I can ask for right now.

Yes, you may see those people everyday, and it seems, that they don’t quite “get you”. But they are happy to see you, they give you hugs and smiles, they make jokes with you, keep you company. And the more time you spend with them, the more they become home.

And this is love too. And loneliness keeps you from taking it all for granted.

Loneliness helps you see yourself clearly. Yes, this is me. This is where I come from, this is what I have done so far. And I don’t regret a thing, everything made me me, who I am today.

And sometimes it’s OK to not have a plan, to just be, just live. Changes happen even, if I don’t always acknowledge them. And one day it will be clear, who I have become.

It’s OK to be alone. Loneliness is not a sin…

We are your friends

” This is the best part of everything, it’s the moment before it’s all starts…”

” Are we ever going to be better then this?”

” And if it’s real enough and honest enough. And if it’s made of everything that made you. Where you come from, who you knew. Your history. Then you may have a chance connecting with everyone else. And may be that’s our ticket… to everything”.

 

High Fidelity

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” I am too tired not to be with you”

It’s been literally months, but when people ask me what about my personal life? All I can say I bumped into him few days ago. I don’t know why I even stopped, I just did.

Few minutes of akward conversation, dying to tell him everything, doesn’t want him to know. Few minutes of familiar walk. Few minutes of the world, that stopped spinning. Few minutes of everything being right.

“Some people just smell like home”

Yes, some do. Very rare kind. Those that you can’t forget, because of this home feeling, this escape from loneliness, feeling of belonging.

Anyway, I loved this movie.Lately I like american happy endings, I just wanna believe they are possible.

Records, music, cigarette smoke… All so retro.

Not cheesy, but lovely and humorous.

This thing he does after the breakup, going through the history of failed relationships, so familiar.

They all seem the same at first, but then he goes one by one and understnads the differences. Understands himself.

Basically I think this movie is about Rob finding himself. Realising, why he does what he does in life and moving to the next stage.

From fantasies to real. Putting the other foot on the ground. Committing.

When I was younger, I remember struggling with the question, do we live “why?” or “what for?”. What matters the most, the reason or the purpose?

I still don’t know the answer to this one. But I think it’s easy sometimes to get lost looking for the purpose. And when it’s not seen, “why?” is enough. You go there because it feels right. Not everything have to be revealed at once.

Stuck in Love

I guess this can be called a morden fairy tale. Sweet story of love, patience stuck-in-love-wallpaper-01and happy ending.

” I got little lost… I was wondering if there’s still a place for me here”.

“I could hear my heart beating. I could hear everyone’s heart. I could hear the human noise we sat there making, not one of us moving, not even when the room went dark.”

“I remember that it hurt. Looking at her hurt.”

We humans are messy. We make mistakes, that’s what we do. We try to fix them, or forget about them, run away from them, until they catch us suddenly and unexpectedly.

What is love? That’s probably the biggest question we ask. That’s probably the question we spend our lives searching for an answer to. Because apparently nothing else matters.

“If love is setting a place at the table for someone who is never coming home, I think I’ll pass. ”

Me… what do I think about love, accept of course the cliche, that’s is al around us, which is true.

I think no matter how big the locks we put on it, how fast we run from it, how cleverly we try to deceive ourselves, it’s going to be there for us, when we finnaly decide to give up running and just be. The thing is it might take us ages to do so…

But there is no other way, just forward I guess…

Begin Again

Here I was, home after a long long day, tired, helpless, running a bad cold. And I was telling myself , tomorrow will be better, you will feel better, you’ll see. And I put on this movie, just something to pass the time before going to bed.

And this girl comes out on stage and starts singing my heart. How about that…

it’s funny and amazing, how when you feel the most down and have noone to turn to on that, universe steps in.

Just a small something like a good movie, and everything shifts.

Thank you for that.

Grace and Frankie

How do you start over when you are seventy?

Just like when you are 30 or 20 or every other age.

It’s a process.

What a fun watch this show is!

Smart, kind, warm and more of the above hopeful.

And yeah, I am so Frankie.

Actually I think this show has the same effect on me, as watching elderly practising tai chi. It’s not scary growing old.

What really scary is, is stop living.

So you try, you fail, you try again.

Real life is always richer than the expectations and plans. It always has a dramatic turn around ahead. And you can never anticipate it.

And that’s probably the beaty of it. Of living. You have to grow. Sometimes it’s fun, sometimes it’s hard, sometimes it’s a storm. And sometimes you have to start all over at seventy.

Getting the Love You Want

51TyVaEMHKL._SX332_BO1,204,203,200_“Marriage is not a static state between two unchanging people. Marriage is a psychological and spiritual journey that begins in the ecstasy of attraction, meanders through a rocky stretch of self-discovery, and culminates in the creation of an intimate, joyful, lifelong union”

Reading this book, I finally realize, I am not weird, I am not crazy, I am just normally broken, like everyone else.

And it’s a huge relieve.

Seriously, all my fights, all my problems with my boyfriends suddenly make sense. It happens to others too. In fact it happens to everyone. Most people just get stuck at the stage of power struggle of the relationship, some for life time.

And it doesn’t have to be that way.

I knew for a while now, that relationship require some work to be done. But I never knew what exactly to do, how to break the evil stage of “nothing is good enough”. And truly at some point I almost have given up. I’ve learned to live a good life as loner. And I thought, that’s OK. If I seem to be unable to build something valid, I prefer it that way. Better be happy alone, then miserable together. Been there, done that, not for me.

That have worked fine until I actually have fallen in love. Truly with fireworks, talks, connection and sex, that feels more like spiritual journey, than just physical act. And I started getting glimpses of believe, I want this one to work out, I want this one to last. But of course it didn’t. Just like the rest of them. But it was good enough for me realize, that if I really want to grow, there are places I can’t enter alone. It’s richer and more fulfilling together. I want that together thing. suddenly when I lost it, I realized how important this is for me. The togetherness.

And then I started searching. What should do, how can I fix me? And I came across this book. And it’s was like a breath of fresh air. It’s not going to be easy, and some things I can’t solve on my own, I need an actual partner for that. This made me dreaming about me and my ex sitting and working through the exercises together.

But I do respect the no.

And although it took me rather long time to get here, but I believe, I can be happy, I will be happy, and I am ready to meet someone to grow old and wise with.

Bit by bit

12141724_10153729221744887_7798855908762863408_nSometimes to change something, you have to do nothing. Just be with whatever you are feeling. And it’s the hardest thing to do.

And bit by bit

Night by night

Acceptance comes

That past is past

And I will find my way

To bloom again