Begin Again

Here I was, home after a long long day, tired, helpless, running a bad cold. And I was telling myself , tomorrow will be better, you will feel better, you’ll see. And I put on this movie, just something to pass the time before going to bed.

And this girl comes out on stage and starts singing my heart. How about that…

it’s funny and amazing, how when you feel the most down and have noone to turn to on that, universe steps in.

Just a small something like a good movie, and everything shifts.

Thank you for that.

Grace and Frankie

How do you start over when you are seventy?

Just like when you are 30 or 20 or every other age.

It’s a process.

What a fun watch this show is!

Smart, kind, warm and more of the above hopeful.

And yeah, I am so Frankie.

Actually I think this show has the same effect on me, as watching elderly practising tai chi. It’s not scary growing old.

What really scary is, is stop living.

So you try, you fail, you try again.

Real life is always richer than the expectations and plans. It always has a dramatic turn around ahead. And you can never anticipate it.

And that’s probably the beaty of it. Of living. You have to grow. Sometimes it’s fun, sometimes it’s hard, sometimes it’s a storm. And sometimes you have to start all over at seventy.

Getting the Love You Want

51TyVaEMHKL._SX332_BO1,204,203,200_“Marriage is not a static state between two unchanging people. Marriage is a psychological and spiritual journey that begins in the ecstasy of attraction, meanders through a rocky stretch of self-discovery, and culminates in the creation of an intimate, joyful, lifelong union”

Reading this book, I finally realize, I am not weird, I am not crazy, I am just normally broken, like everyone else.

And it’s a huge relieve.

Seriously, all my fights, all my problems with my boyfriends suddenly make sense. It happens to others too. In fact it happens to everyone. Most people just get stuck at the stage of power struggle of the relationship, some for life time.

And it doesn’t have to be that way.

I knew for a while now, that relationship require some work to be done. But I never knew what exactly to do, how to break the evil stage of “nothing is good enough”. And truly at some point I almost have given up. I’ve learned to live a good life as loner. And I thought, that’s OK. If I seem to be unable to build something valid, I prefer it that way. Better be happy alone, then miserable together. Been there, done that, not for me.

That have worked fine until I actually have fallen in love. Truly with fireworks, talks, connection and sex, that feels more like spiritual journey, than just physical act. And I started getting glimpses of believe, I want this one to work out, I want this one to last. But of course it didn’t. Just like the rest of them. But it was good enough for me realize, that if I really want to grow, there are places I can’t enter alone. It’s richer and more fulfilling together. I want that together thing. suddenly when I lost it, I realized how important this is for me. The togetherness.

And then I started searching. What should do, how can I fix me? And I came across this book. And it’s was like a breath of fresh air. It’s not going to be easy, and some things I can’t solve on my own, I need an actual partner for that. This made me dreaming about me and my ex sitting and working through the exercises together.

But I do respect the no.

And although it took me rather long time to get here, but I believe, I can be happy, I will be happy, and I am ready to meet someone to grow old and wise with.

Bit by bit

12141724_10153729221744887_7798855908762863408_nSometimes to change something, you have to do nothing. Just be with whatever you are feeling. And it’s the hardest thing to do.

And bit by bit

Night by night

Acceptance comes

That past is past

And I will find my way

To bloom again

TA, I seem to fit here

So I moved to TA. When I woke up first morning in my tiny blue room, I was disoriented, I felt at home, but it took me a bit to realize where exactly I was.
Now when I ride a green city bike through the city just before sunrise on my way to work, I pass Rothschild boulevard, spacious and glorious Habima square and wide Ibn Gvirol road, I have a feeling that I not only like this place, but I seem to fit here. Not quite easily, with fare amount of struggle and effort, but this city suits me.
Others I loved, liked or was tolerant of. But I am an integral part of this one.
Like with registering to my tai chi school, it was a move that felt so right, like why haven’t I done this sooner?



That’s bizarre… And so expected

islandIt was late when she finally returned home. Her parents weren’t there, probably went out too. Good for them, she thought.

She skipped the kitchen, going straight to her room. The warm and so familiar feeling of being with Max, the home feeling was all around her, in the way her chest felt warm, her feet felt light, how everything looked like glowing a little.

She put on a disc she just bought, Max’s favorite band and opened her diary. She used to write a lot. Random thoughts, short poems, dreams. But she haven’t done so in a last few weeks. Since Here’s first appearance actually.

The song sounded strangely familiar, though Nelly never heart of this band before today. She struggled to remember where she might have heart it. Well of course! Here… The song he hummed her to sleep with. Wow… Just wow… that’s bizarre… And so expected, natural at the same time.

She doodled absentmindedly along with the song’s tune until she felt tired and calm enough to fall asleep.

Looking at the picture in the morning, she realized she draw an island house and a boy with greenish hair standing by the door, smiling at her.


Californication, dare to be an optimist

Episode 601Funny, dark and bitter sweet. Sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll and a typewriter.
This show is a constant battle between what we should be or do and what we are. I am reading this book, called “A Wrinkle in time”. A group of kids is sent to a planet, that surrendered to the great evil. People on this planet do things exactly right, exactly like everyone else, because they don’t have a mind of their own any more, they have one big mind, that thinks for every one.
We used to thinking that stuff that is not in a norm is weird or even evil, but what if the norm is the evil?
Certainly the answer is somewhere in the middle, and there isn’t one and only one right. Otherwise it wouldn’t be fun living, would it?
Californication is just about that. They take stereotypes and look into them: rock star, hippie, writer, housewife, parents, teenagers, students, teachers etc.

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Just a believer

May be I should fight
May be I should try
But the world is wide
And there is one
Who’ll play for me
I know
So I go
Be happy
Love, smile, be
Without me
Thank you for hope
Thank you for dream
I’ll treasure those
And take my leave
I am not a sticker
I am not a fighter
Just a believer
That one day I might
Wake up and see
Him choosing me

By moment, by breath,
By look, by step
Life goes

Only Lovers Left Alive


It’s beautiful for sound track and shooting. Other than  that…

My first reaction was: it’s a bit shallow.  Well, mixing vampire fantasy with critical overview on society kinda makes it loose on both ends.

On the other hand this “and?” mark , that I was left after the film, encouraged thinking.

He is the depressed  one, the thinker. She is the lover of the simple pleasures. Like plants, animals, dancing.

I like the Eva character, typical unruly teenager. And I agree with her, Adam and Eve are snobs.

“What choice do we have?”

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Yearly Tai Ji Training Camp


Every year my Tai Ji school holds a 合宿, which means a training camp in Japanese, the Chinese alternative I believe can be 练营. Basically it means, that the whole school gathers at one location and practices from morning to evening for a week.
Up until this year, I came for two may be three days, but since I had the time, I finally went for the whole package.
So 40 hours, 5 days – check.
Few years back I participated at Vipassana 10 day retreat. The after thought was, that it was the most challenging thing I’d ever done. Well now Vipassana has a competitor.
Physically this training week was almost easy and very much fun, but emotionally for me it was tough.

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